Cannot lie. It's been a very rough couple of weeks. My Christmas gift to my sons was a custom made quilt. It was made of photos of us 4 and Tony's clothing. I was so proud of this gift. They both loved their blankets. It truly was a special present. Christmas, of course, was spent with family.
At the last minute, I decided to book a trip between Christmas and New Years with my two sons. I was selfish. I wanted just the three of us. It actually gave me something to look forward to during the holidays instead of focusing on someone being absent. Sitting at a table for 4 but only 3 of us. I guess nowadays, with blended families and divorces, no one really looks at you thinking someone is missing. But someone clearly was to me. It was unspoken between the three of us. But, we had a fantastic time! It was a fast paced four days. We visited Key Largo, Key West, Fort Lauderdale, Hollywood Beach & Miami. Fantastic.
New Year's Eve, the three of us went our separate ways as we have been doing since they became adults. I couldn't hold them back and I'm glad I didn't. I had a couple of friends come over to keep me company and it was fun. The elephant was definitely in the room. I am truly blessed to have key people who check up on me regularly.
My New Year's resolution is to scrapbook weekly. A passion that means so much to me. I have a collection of books already completed, but need to do more. This digital technology is locking our photos on our hard drives and really not giving us something to touch. Yes, we share pictures on Facebook and texting and emails. But, I miss that touchy feeling.
My albums tell stories. Stories that will be passed on to future generations. In fact, my latest project is one of Tony's memory. I have a collection of emails, texts, cards and donations. I have put them in an album and have asked a selected few people to compose a letter of a special memory to share. I'd love to share this album with our grandchildren one day. To let them read about how special he truly was and how many lives he has touched. So, Thursday nights is dedicated to scrapbooking in 2015. Anyone who wishes to join me is welcome. We can work on our projects together!
Meanwhile, I have learned that life goes on. Hard to do, but I must. I think of him many many times, daily. I put up a very strong front when I need to. My children and family and friends do their very best to keep me busy, but I wonder......
I wonder for how much longer?
Does the pain in my heart ever go away?
Do the memories of his last few days remain vivid in my thoughts?
Will I ever be ok?
Tomorrow will be six months........wow, six months. It's still hard to believe he's gone.
Happy New Year everyone.
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