I'm having a hard time focusing lately

This was given to me by a fellow widow.  She lost her husband to Multiple Myeloma.  Not sure if she wrote it or copied it.  What is important is that she shared it with me to share with my family and friends.  It truly says it all. I don't have the mind or strength to post anything in this blog.  I hope one day to reflect my thoughts and feelings. With hopes of helping others deal with this horrible disease.


To My Friends,

I have lost the one I love, the one I cherish. My lover, my best friend, my whole life. Either you have stumbled across this because you want to find out how to help me, or I have given this to you.

How I am Feeling
• I am numb. I am in shock. I am emotionally exhausted.
• I am in pain. A horrible, gut-wrenching, intense, unimaginable, and indescribable pain.
• My mind is totally occupied with processing my loss. I am trying to understand what has happened. I am attempting to make sense of it all. I am trying to comprehend the incomprehensible.
• I can't sleep. I want to sleep all day. I am physically exhausted.
• I can't eat. I can't stop eating.
• I can't be bothered cooking. I can't be bothered cleaning. I don't want to go shopping.
• Everything is overwhelming. Small tasks are overwhelming. Small details are overwhelming. I just don't want to know about it right now.
• Nothing sticks in my mind. I walk out the door without my keys. I forget what I was going to do. I forget everything except that my love has gone.
• I am going through tidal waves of emotion. One minute I might be laughing, the next I may be in tears.
• Sometimes I want to talk. Sometimes I need to be alone. Sometimes I need silent company. Sometimes I need all of these things in the space of 5 minutes.
• Some days I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing. Some days I will keep myself totally occupied in an attempt to escape.
• Sometimes I will be intense. Sometimes I will be irrational. Sometimes I will be snappy, and often I will be totally lost in myself.
• Often I may not have a clue as to what I want, but it only takes a moment for me to realize what I don't want.
• I am hypersensitive and will often be offended by things you say to try and make me feel better.
• I want to wail. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to just sit.
• I have no choice how I react. This is coming from deep inside me and intelligence and self control have no effect. It comes from the basal self.
• Sometimes it so hard for me to respond to phone calls or letters or emails, but I truly appreciate that you are doing it, so please don't stop just because I don't respond.
• I will not be fully-functional at work for a long time. In fact, I may never work with the same intensity again as my perspectives of what is important and what isn't has been changed permanently.
• I still want to laugh. I need to laugh. I may suddenly go quiet mid-laugh, when hit by a sudden reminder, but I desperately need to continue to laugh.

Emotional Things You Can Do
• Let me talk about him. I want to talk about our love. I want to tell you how we met, our last days, and everything in between. I want to show you his picture, tell you how wonderful he was.
• Let me cry. Your acceptance that I need to cry and your permission to allow me to is one of the best gifts you can give me. Hand me a tissue, and do your best to sit quietly and let me cry.
• Once you have allowed me to open up or cry, please don't change the subject or try to stop me. I know you feel uncomfortable that I am in pain. Don't. Changing the subject, trying to stop me crying just makes me hold everything inside, and eats away at me.
• Tell me all your stories of when my love was sweet, courageous, rotten or funny. I need to hear everything about him. If you don't know many, find out some from those who are too scared to approach me now.
• Let me try to tell you what is going on inside me. I won't succeed, but I need to try.. You don't have to do anything. Just allowing me to do it, and allowing me to feel what I need to feel means so much.
• It is really hard for me to tell other people about my loss. I'm working full time to deal with my emotions. Trying to deal with someone else's reaction or discomfort is the last thing I need, so if someone needs to know it would be good if you could explain it to them.

What Not To Do
• Don't tell me you understand how I feel, or that you can imagine the pain I am going through, unless you have lost the love of your life. Trust me, you can't. If I can't, and I am going through it, trust me, you can't – your mind will just not let you voluntarily imagine this much pain.
•Don't try to compare my loss to the loss of a parent, or a friend, or an acquaintance or pet, it's not the same. I understand that all of these things are painful, but it is not the same.
• Don't ask how I'm doing unless you really want to know. I am assuming that if you have asked, you won't be offended by what I say in response.
• Don't try to save me from my feelings or make me feel better. I know you can't bear to see me in so much pain, but I need to go through all of these feelings whether I want to or not.
• Once you have "given me permission" to talk or cry, please don't try and distract me with small talk. I know it makes you feel better if I appear happy, but my pain is ever-present and it makes me feel like you don't care.
• Don't tell me everything will be okay.
• Don't tell me "he's always with you".
• Don't tell me "he's no longer in pain".
• Don't tell me "he's looking down on you from heaven".
• Don't tell me "you're lucky that you had such love, some people never do".
• Don't tell me "he's in a better place".
• Don't be surprised however if I say these things to you …
• Don't ever tell me "you must be strong". If ever there's a time I should be permitted to be weak, this is it. I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me.
• Whatever you do don't tell me "If I were you I'd…." Until you are in the same situation, you have absolutely no idea what you will do. Your logical brain has absolutely no control.
• Never try telling me "life goes on", or "he wouldn't want you to cry", or "G-d will never give you more than you can handle" or any other meaningless platitudes.
• Don't try to solve my "problem". Unless you can bring him back, it can't be "solved".
• Don't feel the need to fill in silences. I know the silences are hard for you, but if you can accept them, you are helping me immensely.
• Please don't try and help me find "closure", or tell me I need to find "closure". Closure is an obscene word for me right now, just as  "moving on"/"move on" is.

One Month Mass

After much thought trying to pick a Church convenient for most, I finally made a decision.
It will be an English mass.

Tuesday, August 5th @ 7:30pm
Church of St. Clair of Assisi
150 St. Francis Avenue
Woodbridge, ON

(North West neighbourhood of Weston/Rutherford)

Tony's Eulogy, read by a very dear friend of ours, Gerry.

Although this was written for my eyes only, I think he did a great job.  Often, if not most of the time, people would think that Gerry and Tony were brothers.....(looked very similar)  His courage to maintain his composure while he read this was amazing.......Gerry is, after all, one of Tony's very good friend.  Tony's passing has effected many as a son, husband, father, brother, brother-in-law, cousin, friend, customer, boss, neighbour or teammate.  And of course, cannot forget all the kids through Tony's coaching days, we thought of as a second family to us.  

So, thank you Gerry for reading this at a very difficult time.

On behalf of everyone assembled here this day, I wanted to extend our most sincere and heartfelt condolences, sympathies and prayers to the Gemmiti and LoCurto Families upon their tragic loss during this darkest time.

You must all attempt to help me through this tribute as I am unusually sentient this day.

Indeed, I usually canʼt watch the exploits of ʻTouched by an Angelʼ or my ʻQueenʼsʼ favorite, The ʻWaltonsʼwithout becoming misty, and often times weeping openly.

But this day is different!

Although, the ʻGood Lordʼ has dispatched his ʻAngelsʼ, to accompany our ʻFallen Brotherʼ and propel him towards his ʻHeavenly Kingdomʼ, albeit prematurely, this verbiage will celebrate my perspective on the Life and Legacy of an Extraordinary man, a man of more than ordinary mettle.

Antonio Gemmiti, inherently embodied everything a man aspires to become.

A proudly loving, respectful, and dutiful son and brother, ever reverent and watchful, attending to their every covet, crave, or desire.

A cherished and nurturing ever gracious Husband and Father, a hunter, purveyor, provider and protector for his precious family.

You would be hard pressed to find a man as amicably affable, approachable, and convivially cordial as Tony, communicative, chatty and continuously courteous, frank, civil, and obliging.

Never considered a loquacious, garrulous, rambling or longwinded conversationalist, Tony was a storyteller nonetheless, eloquently graceful, complimentary, tactful, and ever thoughtful, as many bore witness to firsthandedly this past week, as they shared their poignant remembrances and reminiscences and bade their saddened farewells within the hallowed halls of the venerable Mount Sinai Hospital.

Indeed, Tony, was bestowed with a genial spirit, an essence, a vitalness, a soulful myriad of mirth and merriment.

Blessed with a sunny disposition that would illuminate every environment that he embraced, he possessed a congenial humour, a pleasant jocularity, jesting and joshing, amusingly funny, and whimsically witty.

Inside the man, Tony possessed a civilized humanity, a benevolent, kindhearted spirit, always accommodating, compassionately gentile, and tenderly merciful.

His moral compass resonated with a cultivated, educated, and enlightened sense of dignity and integrity, a reverence for righteousness.

Indeed, a man of unparalleled distinction, dedicated, diligent, and deserving of Lifeʼs fullest amplitude.

A successful and entrepreneurial businessman in his own right, Tony was always the consummate professional, proficiently adept, masterly and skillful, ever generous, trusting, fair minded and loyal to his family, employees, and clientele.

ʼ

My ʻBrotherʼ, was an entertainer extraordinaire, the unmitigated and profoundly complete ʻHost of Hostsʼ, unbridled generosity, a benevolence bordering on philanthropy. altruistic, magnanimous, and bountiful.

It was through this wondrous fellowship of friendship that I was introduced unto his unprecedented character, his honest, integrous, quiet and gentle self.

Veritably, as a glutton of unprecedented proportion, my ʻBrotherʼ always fueled my foodie fantasies with superbly sumptuous delights, such as splendiferously succulent ʻspiducciʼ, pleasantly palatable ʻporchettaʼ,tasty, spicy and savoury, and at his belovedʼs fiftieth milestone Birthday Bash, a fatted ʻporkerʼ, roasted to the pink of perfection.

Fueled and aided by the odd liquid libation, at his favorite hideaway on the riverfront of the ʻNottaWasagaʼ, we enjoyed the unpretentious experiences of endless nights consumed with oftentimes meaningful, heartfelt, and passionate conversations.

Certainly, we both fervently believed in the power of intention, in truth, and reality, whereby every decision, strictly, truly, and verily, righteous or wrongly, has brought us to this very distinctive moment, indeed, an intention of the ʻDivineʼ.

As a seemingly ageless, yet semi-retired athlete, and unrepentant athletic supporter, Tony remained a diligently committed sportsfan, loving to engage, embody and embrace, counsel, ʻCoachʼ, and mentor his beloved ʻBolton Senior Baseball Teamʼ, remember and reminisce with his hockey ʻHooligansʼ, and celebrate the glorious grandeur and greatness of his golfing glory.

Indeed, Tony possessed a resilient, pliable, flexible, yet sturdy, strong, and secure strength of character and an unwavering personality.

Tony was courageous, patient, understanding, imperturbable Even whilst being ravished, tortured, and tormented with this incessantly disruptive disease.

His tenacity to persevere, to overcome, his will to win was indomitable.

Indeed, ʻThe Good Lordʼ has been present with him, step by step, during this arduously painful journey.

Witness his farewell ʻFeteʼ, accepting the acute awareness of his imminent plight, he chose to greet his kinship, brotherhood, and the fraternity of his fellowship with dignity, honour, and respectability, and remained courtly, majestic and noble, throughout, as he jested in his own words, in the participation and enjoyment of his own wake, whilst he was still awake!

Above all else, in my humble opinion, Tony, valued, loved, worshiped and adored his Family, his Mother and Father, his Sister Paola/Tony, his devoted in-laws Joseph/Fiorella , and their entire extended Families, his Twin Towers, Michael and Robert, but most of all his cherished Maria, his childhood sweetheart, his charmingly engaging, and enchantingly beautiful Matrimonial Bride and lovingly nourishing Mother of his beloved boys, his Soulmate!

Tony, we have delighted in your fondness, warmth, tenderness and attachment to life itself, your unfounded passion, devotion, and esprit du corpsʼ for all that you enlivened, engaged, animated or exhilarated.

We will surely miss the camaraderie with our crony, our chum, our companion and confrere, his warm and compassionate smile, and his sense of affection, attachment, and amicability.

But we will never disregard, dismiss, or dis remember our ʻBrotherʼ.

Rather, we will redeem, reclaim, and regenerate the recognition, retention, remembrance, recollection and remarkable retrospective that was and is Tony Gemmiti.

In closing, I firmly believe that the collective of our Prayers, sympathies, condolences and compassionately contemplative meditations and reflective thoughtfulness have not failed us. They have not been for naught, forgotten, nor abandoned. Indeed, as heralded, they have paved a passageway to a prepared place of prominence and priority for our fallen ʻBrotherʼ at the ʻBanquet Tableʼ of our ʻGood Lordʼ!!!

Funeral Arrangements

I just have a quick minute to enter my post.  I promise to come back and thank you all properly.  Please know that I am overwhelmed with texts, emails and Facebook posts.   Please know that I haven't been able to read each and every one of them, but I can guarantee that I will soon. When I feel sad, all I have to do is read one text or email and I'm good.  The support has been amazing.  I am never left alone.  Family and friends have been wonderful.

So, for now, in case you haven't been informed yet, Tony passed away peacefully on Thursday, July 3 at 11:25 am.  He was surrounded by everyone he held very dear to him.
The viewing is today at Vescio Funeral Home, Woodbridge Chapel from 4pm to 9pm.
Mass is on Saturday, July 5 at 9am at Immaculate Conception in Woodbridge.

I love you all for your very kind words of condolences.  I knew how special he was when I met him and am not surprised by all of these responses.  So on behalf of myself and my boys, thank you.

xoxoxoxo
Mary

"It's like a wake, but the guys awake"

Our family has truly been blessed these past few days.  People keep coming daily, some of which come every day.  It feels like he's a phenomena.  A miracle worker.  Can't explain it.  I'm just in awe of these past few days.  The first time people walk in they are anxious.  He reassures them and tells stories and makes them feel at home.  It is such a blessing to witness this man comfort people when they come in.  Each and every person is told a memorable story of an experience with Tony.  All smiles.  All jokes.  Everyone truly loves and adores this man.  It begins at 9am and ends 9, 10, 11 or midnight.  The staff ask to keep it down, but cannot ask us to leave.  As one security guard said, "how do I kick out people having a great time and laughing?"
Last night, a bunch of "men" came marching down the hall.  These men were guys who have played hockey with Tony for over 25 years.  They were all in the room reminiscing.  Only the men were inside....no wives allowed....LOL  It was fantastic.
What has amazed me, but not surprised me is the kids.....the baseball kids......my children's friends.   They are the ones that come daily.  They are the ones sitting/standing all around him, often 10-15 people at one time and just listening to his stories, like sitting at the campfire at the cottage.  They are the ones, who after a nice visit, send me a private FB message.  A letter to Tony.  Asking me to read it to him, because they don't have the strength.  So many memories.  I'm grateful for this time as my two fine young men experience this and will always have this to cherish forever and ever.

Both Tony and I love you all and are blessed to have you in our lives.

My husband, "the luckiest man in the world"

We have been truly blessed these past two days.  We have had tremendous support from family & friends.  I am finding my strength in this love.  Tony has been brave, courageous, funny & complimentary.  He has been having great conversations with everyone who comes to see him.  Telling many stories, making each and every one feel special.  Every text I receive from people asking if they can come.....I ask Tony and he looks at me saying ya!  Let them come!  He is definitely putting on the charm and grace with everyone.  Some very strong and others not so strong.  But that's ok.  Everyone handles these situations differently.  Two years ago, I would have been part those not so strong. We have been having many bonding moments and making special moments. Life is so precious.  Perhaps moments like these make us realize just how short life is on earth.  Both Tony and I are so proud of our two sons.  They each have a piece of their dad and I know that moving forward, Tony will be living through them.  Shining through them.
I would like to give a special thank you to my night crew because if it weren't for them, I would not be getting my rest to go another day.  I love and appreciate all that they're doing.
Although Tony is getting much weaker, he is still accepting visitors.  However, please text me on Tuesday, before heading down.  We would love to transfer him to another unit that deal with palliative care.  I just don't know when that will happen.
May God bless you all.
Mary

I truly did not think I'd hear those words today...

This week has been full of a battery of tests (again) in order for the qualifying process for a clinical trial.  He really needed this to happen.  Unfortunately, his health has taken a really bad turn.  His myeloma numbers have excelled tremendously over the past 4 days.  His kidney function continues to get worse.  His legs and feet are very swollen.  His spirit continues to be very loving and sweet and brave.
Today, I believe may just be the saddest day of my life.
Today, we received the bad news.  The team of doctors feel that chemo will do more harm at this stage than good.  He is not healthy enough to go through chemo therapy.  This news came from the very highest head at PMH.  She comes with 30 years experience in the USA and Canada with multiple myeloma.
We discussed palliative care moving forward and making him as comfortable as possible.
He currently has no pain.  PMH doesn't have any beds available.  Toronto General Hospital was on bed alert.  That left us with Mount Sinai.  I don't know how she did it, but the process is to check into emergency and wait to be admitted.  Like I said, I don't know how she did it, but within 30 minutes we were in a private room in emergency.  This evening he will be transferred to a private room.
He is accepting visitors for now, but I ask that you text me before coming should things worsen and he changes his mind please.  We were tremendously supported on the Multiple Myeloma walk this past weekend.  We hang on to that love from each and every one of you.
Please respect the fact that his parents and my dad still don't know, but we plan on telling them this weekend.
We find strength knowing that we are loved.  We have no regrets.  We have many friends and family supporting us either way.  Please respect our choice to ignore calls if we have to during this difficult time. Text messages work best.
We will keep you posted as best we can.......

I'd like to share something given to me personally at the end of the walk.  It came from a wonderful woman, lovely inside and out.  She gives me strength.  I find comfort just hearing her voice.  She was diagnosed with two cancers in one day.  She walked 5k this past weekend, on her own.

This plaque read:
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."
I have this on my fireplace at home and every day I read it.
Munira, may God bless you forever and ever and keep you safe.
With much love to everyone,
Mary